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Literature. by Hanaki-chan

Unorganized Literature by Irrelephantlovesyou


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March 20, 2011
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I.

The day everything ended, she was standing in a parking lot, weary from a long day of departures and destinations, staring up at the sky. Clouds strolled west, their armfuls of grey dripping out of their grasp and spattering onto the asphalt, onto her upturned face. They rolled and crashed into one another, piling up high in the stratosphere like mountains of cottony stone. Once, they had been at war, and their arguments had sliced across the countryside with the recklessness of a summer fire. Now, though, something had calmed them. Perhaps they were tired from their travel like her, or perhaps it was the sun, gently wedging them apart with scalding fingers. Its light had almost gotten lost behind the celestial battle, but soon grey faded to white, white flashed gold, and the sun finally reached down to where she stood, there next to her father, on the last day he remembers before everything ended.

II.

It was hard for her to imagine now, how she could have gotten lost so easily those first few days living here. Her life was consumed by white, narrow halls and the numbered doors that marked the way from her tiny guest room to the ICU. Go down the hall, take the stairs on the left—not the right— try not to slip on the cold tiled floor, drift by the stale promises and men with clipboards. Don't go out into the city; that was something else she had learned, the last time she tried to escape. Out there, the storm hadn't passed, not completely. It clung stubbornly to the air, cloyingly thick and hot in the July sun. When she breathed, the traces of the storm lined her lungs like leftover molasses in a jar. For one week, she waited for the sky to finally crack open and pour out the ocean. But she was always left waiting, and walking, and memorizing the twisted path between her father's room and her own.

III.

The sky sagged onto the tops of the trees, shrouding their arms in folds of grey when once they had been feathered with the color of summer. The air had forgotten the taste of lilac, the touch of sparrows, the sound of crickets; it was dry and clean, pure and empty. A chill suffused its edges, convincing the sun to flit shyly just behind the mountaintops. Today, the grey of winter was impenetrable, but one day the sun would help the air remember what it had lost. One day, it would be summer again, but until then, she lay on the living room floor, soaking in the warmth of the fireplace and listening to the still-unfamiliar sound of her father's laughter. He sat in his favorite chair and squinted through off-kilter glasses at his new book about Yogi Berra. Every few minutes, he would flip back to the same page and read the quote there to her. "We're lost," he said between guffaws, "but we're making good time."
For my father. If I haven't told you I love you today, I do.
Always. :heart:


This is very, very important that I get absolutely perfect. I'm planning on giving this to my father someday soon, and I'm also going to be presenting this during a college art show. So, naturally, any critique would be very much appreciated. The form of this is really a triptych (three columns side-to-side), with the idea that each stanza is an image "painting a picture with my words," but I couldn't really make it look how I wanted here on DA. You're going to have to do your best to imagine it, sadly.

Questions!
~-I tried to weave in a small theme of being “lost.” Is it even noticeable? Does it help make the last line stronger?
~Is the tone of the language consistent? Is it too flowery in some places, and too straight-forward in others?
~How much of the story can you understand? Should I try to clarify it?
~Finally, the theme of this piece is supposed to be “hope.”Is that something you feel when you read this? How prevalent is this in the piece?

For the WrittenRevolution, my critique is here: [link]


[EDIT] I just wanted to add that I gave this to my father today. He loved it. Thanks so much, everyone, for the wonderful feedback! :heart:
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Daily Deviation

Given 2012-05-01
Searching for the Sun by ~scarletbird The suggester says, "[It] weaves a story full of tragedy and hope, losing and finding." ( Suggested by LadyofGaerdon and Featured by thorns )
:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by =DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here: dailylitdeviations.deviantart.… Congratulations on your DD!

Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article. Keep writing and keep creating.
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:iconkj-illustration:
KJ-Illustration Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Your wonderful work has been featured here: [link] :heart:
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:iconscarletbird:
scarletbird Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks, dear. :heart:
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:iconwishingunderthatstar:
WishingUnderThatStar Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your wonderful work has been chosen to be featured in Friday Feature Volume I
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:iconscarletbird:
scarletbird Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :D
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:iconwishingunderthatstar:
WishingUnderThatStar Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome. :la:
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:iconanoukrot:
anoukrot Featured By Owner May 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful! Totally poetic description. I liked the 'lost'-theme as well. But I have to say that I don't really understand the story (if there is one). One day she is in the hospital, then she is in the living room with her father. Is the last piece the future or is she remembering the past and she wishes it would be so again? Or maybe You are making allusions only Your father can understand?
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:iconscarletbird:
scarletbird Featured By Owner May 21, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. I completely understand you being confused; it's much more vague than my usual style, and is really meant as a personal piece for my father. I can clarify a bit: each section is arranged chronologically. The first is just before the accident, the second is in the hospital, and the third is at home. Hopefully that helps. :)
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:iconthemateriamaster:
TheMateriaMaster Featured By Owner May 9, 2012  Student General Artist
#ArtistSanctuary has added this picture to it's favorite folder (just thought you should know) :heart:
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:iconscarletbird:
scarletbird Featured By Owner May 9, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! I'm honored. :aww:
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